This is a business letter that my father has received. It is a letter of request asking my father to update his personal particulars. The organization has attached a form for him to fill in the amendments. Information on his personal particulars is on the left column of the form and my father is required to fill in the amendments on the lines given on the right column of the form.
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19 January 2009
Mr Chan See Kiong
Cheong Hei Engineering Services Private Limited
7 Lorong 7 Papaya Industrial Park
#01-7890
Singapore 319980
Dear Mr Chan
RE: UPDATING OF MEMBERS’ PARTICULARS
We wish you A Happy and Prosperous Chinese New Year!
We are conducting a Member Updating Exercise, please find enclosed a set of your information on the left and the space provided on the right is for you to amend with your latest information. All information will be handled with strict confidentiality.
We would also appreciate very much if you could furnish us with a photocopy of your marriage certificate and your children’s birth certificate(s), if applicable.
We have also attached the new car decal for your retention. Please fill in your Car Registration Number and Membership Number on the decal before displaying it on the car windscreen.
Kindly complete the Member’s Particular Forms and return to us, with the business envelope provided, within 21 days from receipt of this letter. Otherwise we will assume all information is accurate.
Your co-operation and consideration is very much appreciated.
Thank you.
Yours faithfully,
Flower Village Club
ROSEJOY
Rose Joy Foo
Membership Administration Department
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I feel that the writer is very friendly because she started the letter with a greeting. She is also courteous when she wrote “we would appreciate very much” to persuade the reader to fulfill her request. The letter was also complete as the writer managed to relay all necessary information to the reader. For example, instructions were given to teach reader how to fill in amendments on the form and when to return the amended form to the organization. Overall, information was conveyed clearly to the reader. Upon reading the letter, the recipient will understand what the writer is trying to convey.
However, I think the tone of the letter will be more formal and appropriate if she could end the letter with well wishes instead of starting the letter with a greeting. Furthermore, the letter was also not concise enough. The letter was filled with many long sentences and the writer could actually use fewer words to convey her message across. For example, instead of writing, “Kindly complete the Member’s Particular Forms and return to us, with the business envelope provided, within 21 days from receipt of this letter.”, she can write “Please return the completed form to us via post by 10th February 2009”.
Moreover, there are some language errors in the letter too. Instead of writing, “please find enclosed”, the writer can consider writing, “enclosed is”. There should not be any capitalization for “Car Registration Number”, “Membership Number” and “Member’s Particular Forms” unless the form was titled this way. Furthermore, she should end the letter with “Yours sincerely” since she knows the name of the reader.
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Here is an improved version of the letter.
Dear Mr Chan,
RE: UPDATING OF MEMBERS’ PARTICULARS
We are conducting an updating exercise on our members’ particulars. Enclosed is a form for you to amend your personal particulars. Please fill in the amendments on the right column of this form. We would appreciate very much if you could furnish us with a photocopy of your marriage certificate and your children’s birth certificate(s), if applicable.
We have also attached the new car decal for your retention. Please fill in your car registration number and membership number on the decal before displaying it on your car windscreen.
Please return the completed form to us via post by 10th February 2009. Your cooperation is much appreciated.
We wish you a happy and prosperous Chinese New Year.
Yours sincerely,
Flower Villa Club
ROSEJOY
Rose Joy Foo
Membership Administration Department
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Hi Min Min,
ReplyDeleteI really have to comment that the letter is very well written. (i'm trying hard to find points that should be improved ",)
In my opinion, i do feel that the statement: “Kindly complete the Member’s Particular Forms and return to us, with the business envelope provided, within 21 days from receipt of this letter." is all right. I think that the writer is just trying to be more clear and specific with her instructions, so that her message is get across to the readers.
Cecilia =]
Hey Min Min,
ReplyDeleteI agree with Cecilia that the letter that you have chosen is quite well written.
The improved letter that you wrote is more concise and sounded more formal as compared to the original letter. However, I think the letter should still add in " otherwise we will assume all information is accurate", because it gives the recipient choice not to send back if the information that they has given previously is still accurate now.
Hi Min Min,
ReplyDeleteI agree with the other two posts that this letter is well-written. The capitalisation is used to catch the reader's attention (the main points could be easily picked up by speed-reading). The letter's body is clearly copied on to other outgoing mails of the same nature. Thus the dates are often not specified.
To add on to Cecilia's comment of the statement: "Kindly complete the Member’s Particular Forms and return to us, with the business envelope provided, within 21 days from receipt of this letter."- I think the sender is right to put it this way. As from my work experience tells me, such letters are meant to be mass-mailed, and are probably sent to members in batches on different days. So suppose these letters are sent to all members over a week (5 days), then it is difficult to have the sender to individualize each email with different specific datelines.
ReplyDeleteIn your improved letter version, you have combined Para 1 and Para 2 from the original letter. I think this is not a good idea, as each paragraph should ideally convey only one main point, so Para 1 is asking reader to amend their details, whereas Para 2 is asking reader to supply their supporting documents.
On the capitalization of phrases such as “Car Registration Number”, “Membership Number” and “Member’s Particular Forms”, these are necessary key words or key points of the letter. Thus, I would agree with Bernard that this is necessary to catch reader's attention when reading the letter.
Hey people, I really appreciate your honest feedback. Actually I am not aware that the letter was well-written as I have not come across any business letter before. Thank you for clarifying the intention of the writer. When I think about it, the capitalization of phrases could also refer to the phrases that were printed on the car decal?
ReplyDelete